THE WHITE LOTUS FINALE : Mike White, your (1/2) gay card is revoked.

R.I….no, I am not accepting this!

Bisexuals. Why are they part of LGBTQ+?

We other letters have to fend off accusations of perversion, grooming, disease spreading, attempted murder of politician’s husbands, etc etc, while the Bs skate through by leaving the door wide open to the accepting arms of heteronormaville.

So listen bisexuals, and in this case I’m talking to you, Mike White. I don’t know why you want to stay in our circle of wagons, but since you do, you cannot blithely ignore everything we hold dear just because you want to do something ‘derpy’. Your choices hurt the tribe, and you should know better considering your obsession with Survivor.

Maybe you thought serving us heaping helpings of footlongs and buns in Season 2 would buy our silence. How shallow do you think we are? Don’t answer that. Nothing you gave us, including Aubrey Plaza, makes up for what you did to Tanya.

You’re a brilliant writer, no one argues that. We, along with the entire straight internet world, were completely riveted this season. Your ability to tease us, spin us all like plates without dropping any of us, is impressive in this age of bloated series that stretch themselves out with useless filler episodes. But when you killed Tanya, you dropped all the plates, and really made a mess.

That’s how you bisexuals roll, though, so we shouldn’t be surprised. You sucker us into a relationship, then announce you’re going back to the hetero side (lesbians, back me up here).

Piled onto this is that Tanya McQuoid is not just a character you scribbled out and then erased. It’s a character given an outsized presence in our lives by Jennifer Coolidge. Yes, she’s a comic genius, but her Tanya was much more than that. HBO doesn’t give us this kind of data, but I guarantee that it was Episode 5 – when our greatest fears that Tanya’s life was in danger were put firmly on the table – that the growing interest in the show became obsession. We freaked out for her, we desperately wanted her to be safe, we needed her to overcome.

And…you had her tumble over the side of a boat, 3 Stooges style, complete with cowbell sound effect. Let me tell you something – no one was laughing but you. “I’ll leave them Jennifer’s beautiful face floating in the sea to opera music,” you thought. No, Mike. That’s your straight half talking, and Tanya was not created by him.

And don’t give us the excuse that viewers would get tired of Tanya in Season 3. No one gets tired of Jennifer Coolidge. The woman got 10 million views of a clip saying “Hi.”

So, due to the aforementioned, and on behalf of us other letters, I regretfully inform you that your membership has been revoked.

We hate losing a brilliant ally, so we hope you’ll reapply next year. Here are some suggestions that will help the board see that you have learned from this tragedy:

  1. Season 3 opens with Greg’s dismembered body lying in his decrepit trailer home. His severed penis is prominent in this shot. We will not stand for one frame of Season 3 to show Greg living high off Tanya’s money. We don’t need to know whodunit. Kill someone else for that plot.
  • Tanya has a twin. We hear you groaning, Mike. But you are an exceptionally clever writer. If anyone can finally make this hacky trope work, it’s you.  
  • Tanya herself is back. Set it in The White Lotus Katmandu, and we’ll assume it’s something mystical. No further explanation needed.
  • Laura Dern.

Thank you,

L,G,T,Q and +

One thought on “THE WHITE LOTUS FINALE : Mike White, your (1/2) gay card is revoked.

  1. Don’t revoke me, but I liked the derpy exit. Rest in Prada, Tanya!
    And please no Laura Dern. She’s been dern to death!
    Let’s venture forth with some brilliant new casting discoveries.
    The White Lotus is 5-star famous for them.
    Come on, Mike White – you got this!

    Like

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